Vala Meets Earth Customs
by Desert Blossom-by-the-Sea
Summary: A series in which Teal'c attempts to introduce Vala to many of Earth's customs. Valentine's Day!
1. Of Basketball and Football

1. Of Basketball and Football

Spoilers: Season 9 after "The Powers That Be" before "Beachhead"

A/N: As soon as I saw the looks that passed between Teal'c and Vala in "The Powers that Be" and continued during "Beachhead", I knew I had to write something about it. I orginally posted this as a stand alone story, but have since been inspired to make a series of short incidents of Teal'c teaching Vala about Earth customs. Any suggestions for ideas will be welcomed. Anything you'd like to see Teal'c teach Vala (already have an idea for him to teach her to Tango!)

* * *

Back at SGC, Teal'c approached Vala in the commissary. "Is this seat taken?" 

Vala shook her head negatively, mouth full of apple pie.

"I wish to impart my deepest respect for your attempts to save the people on P8X-412." Teal'c nodded in her direction.

"It didn't work. I failed." Vala's usual upbeat demeanor was subdued and she seemed depressed.

"Never-the-less, you made a valiant attempt. I am impressed."

Vala gave the Jaffa a sideways, contemplating look. Pointing her fork at him, she asked, "Teal'c, do you play a game called basketball? Daniel taught me how to play."

"Indeed, the members of SG1 often included me in their pick-up games. Would you care to join me for a one-on-one game this afternoon?"

"I haven't anything better to do. I'd like that, Teal'c."

XXXXXXXXXX

Teal'c was already shooting baskets when Vala entered the court. She was wearing black biking shorts and a tight, black tank-top. Teal'c raised one eyebrow and looked her up and down while she stood there, hand on hip, and flipped back her hair.

"Are you ready, Vala Mal Doran?"

"I am, Teal'c."

Teal'c tossed her the ball and began to guard the basket. Knowing she would never be able to throw over the tall man's head, Vala dove between his legs and slid several feet, before jumping up and hooking the ball into the basket.

"That's one for me!" Vala strutted over to Teal'c and turned her head quickly, throwing her hair across his chest.

Teal'c responded with a grin and a slight lifting of his head, acknowledging the challenge she had made. "I believe that was an illegal move called traveling. You must dribble the ball when you are moving."

Vala stuck her tongue out at the man and gave him an "innocent" smile.

Once again in possession of the ball, Teal'c easily was able to make a basket by arching the ball over her head despite her attempt to tackle him.

"I believe you are attempting to mix the game of football with basketball," he said to the bold woman hanging on to his waist.

"I thought Daniel told me it was foreplay, not football."

"Indeed. Football is a favorite game on Earth. Two teams of men dressed in tights attempt to gain possession of an elongated ball. They use the tactic you employed, called tackling, to bring their opponent to the ground."

"You mean that a bunch of men in tights jump on each other while a group of people watch?" Vala clearly did not believe that the Tau'ri would endorse such a public display of blatant suggestive behavior. Daniel must be an aberration of human male sexuality. "How many men?"

"Each team has eleven players."

"So, you're telling me, twenty-two, well muscled men in tights run and roll around together in public and this is legal?" Vala expressive eyes were shining with the erotic thoughts running through her mind. "Teal'c, do you have a television in your quarters?"

"Yes, I do."

"Do you think we might find a game of this feetball on?"

"Football. I believe that it is on twenty-four hours a day."

Vala grabbed his large hand and began running for Teal'c's quarters. "There must be a real god somewhere in the universe. My prayers have been


	2. Volleyball

Volleyball

Vala sat in Teal'c's quarters, flipping through the television channels, looking for something to relieve her boredom. Daniel was working in his lab and had locked the door, refusing to let her in no matter how loudly she made suggestive remarks in the hallway where passers-by could hear.

She stopped on a sports channel, confused about what she was seeing.

"Teal'c, what is this?" She poked the Jaffa in the shoulder, disturbing his attempt to Kel'no'reem.

Teal'c reluctantly opened his eyes to look at the television set. "I believe that is a Tau'ri sport called volleyball."

"What is the point? I mean, what are they trying to do?" Vala cocked her head to the left to see if that point of view would make the game any clearer.

"It appears that the teams try to get the ball over the net without letting it touch the ground. Each team attempts to get the other team to fail in their goal." He hoped that would be enough information for the woman. She seemed to have attached herself to him lately in an attempt to quench her insatiable curiosity. He had apparently been deemed by her as an easier source of information that the other members of SG1, who avoided her like the plague.

Vala watched the four men in two teams spiking the ball over the net at each other. She became very interested in their attire. "Teal'c, what are those men wearing?"

Teal'c sighed and opened his eyes again. "General O'Neill has referred to those costumes as Speedos."

"Wouldn't the sand get into uncomfortable places? Look at how those men slide in the sand after they dive to hit the ball! I would volunteer to help make them more comfortable." Vala began to imagine herself in the sand with the muscular men, removing sand from interesting places.

Teal'c grunted in annoyance, grabbed the remote and turned off the television.

"Woman, go take a cold shower. I believe that is what Colonel Mitchell resorts to when he has been examining the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit issue. It is apparently the Tau'ri custom after indulging in libidinous thoughts resulting from regarding the opposite sex in bathing attire."

Vala stood and shifted uncomfortably, attempting to relieve an itch. She approached the stoic Jaffa, stood in front of him, legs spread, fists on hips. She leaned over him, her hair mingling with his, "Come with me and we can explore this Tau'ri custom of the cold shower together."

* * *

A/N: Please, any ideas for situations where Teal'c teaches Vala? Come on, you know you do! 


	3. Whipped Cream

Whipped Cream

SG1, along with Vala, was eating in the commissary. Daniel was seated across from Vala, doing his absolute best to ignore her. She dipped her spoon in the whipped cream topping on her pumpkin pie, licked it slowly and provocatively, while making small purring noises. She would lick, purr and rub her naked foot up Daniel's leg, underneath his pants, while he squirmed away from her as best as he could, without drawing attention to what she was doing.

Finally, he threw his fork on his plate in irritation, stood and left the room. Colonel Mitchell looked up in surprise and then glanced at Teal'c. He could detect no sign of response from the large man, but Sam, who was seated across from Teal'c, recognized a distinct look of amusement on her friend's face.

"What is wrong with Daniel?" Vala's innocent expression fooled no one except Mitchell.

"I believe that DanielJackson had reached the limit of his endurance with your blatant attempts to seduce him." Teal'c amusement at Vala's actions was gone when he realized just how annoyed his friend had become at her relentless teasing.

"Did I miss something here?" Mitchell turned to Carter.

"I think Vala was playing footsie under the table with Daniel. He's probably locked himself in his office again." Sam glared at Vala, feeling protective of her long-time friend. "He's been locking the door a lot recently."

Mitchell stood, picking up his tray. "Yeah, well, I've got some work to do before we go off world tomorrow. See ya."

"I need to get back to the lab." Carter trailed behind Mitchell.

"Teal'c, what is this white stuff called?" Vala held out her spoon, still overflowing with whipped cream.

"I believe it is termed whipped cream."

"Whipped? As in whips? Oooh, that paints an interesting picture." Vala closed her eyes as she licked the spoon with the tip of her tongue. "Just how do they torture cream with a whip into this form?"

"Vala Mal Doran, perhaps we can look on the internet for this information. It is possible to acquire any knowledge about the Tau'ri using this technology."

Several minutes later, Vala was draped over Teal'c's shoulder as he brought up the web site, "Ask Jeeves."

"I have experienced much success in my quest for knowledge with this site." Teal'c typed in, "How do you make whipped cream?" It brought up a site that explained how to make it at home from heavy cream, but Vala noticed a reference to whipped cream in a can.

"Can you buy this stuff in a can? Where would you get it?" Vala was thinking of various ways she could use the delicious concoction.

"I believe it can be found in any Tau'ri supermarket."

"Can you get some?"

"It is possible that the commissary may have some and would allow us to use a can."

Twenty minutes later, the two aliens had returned to Teal'c's quarters with a can of the white treat.

Neither person had ever seen a can with a dispenser designed like the whipped cream can. Teal'c removed the small cap and stared at the pointed spout.

"How do we get the stuff out?" Vala took the can and began poking at the spout.

"I believe it may be advantageous to read the directions on the can." Teal'c took it back and began to read the can. He held out his left hand, turned the can upside down and pushed sideways on the spout. White fluff spurted out, filling his large hand and splattering both people.

Vala licked her lips and began dipping her tongue into the pile on Teal'c's hand. "Oooh, yummy!"

Teal'c set the can down and used a finger from his right hand to scoop up some cream from his left. When they had finished the pile in his hand, Vala grabbed the can.

"I wonder how many other places this can be used?" She looked straight into Teal'c eyes and waggled her eyebrows at him, poking him with a finger and pushing him toward his bed.

"I believe, Vala Mal Doran, that is an experiment for another time."


	4. Chapter 4

Over the Line

A/N: Over the Line is a game based a bit on baseball (I'll explain the rules in the story). I live in San Diego where the "World Championship Tournament" takes place every July on the beach. The names of the teams given in this story are real! (I actually left out some of the most suggestive.) You should see the TV sports announcers try to give the scores!

LilyAyanami: Why Teal'c? Two reasons. One, having one alien explain Earth (more specifically, American) customs to another alien is funny, and two, when you get a chance to see Beachhead again (or first time if you're not in the US), watch the interaction between Vala and Teal'c. You'll see lots of "looks" passing between them. That set my mind wandering…

* * *

Vala perched on Daniel's lab table top, fingering one of his artifacts. Daniel, who had been doing his best to ignore her, glanced up and saw what she had in her hand. He frowned, reached over and snatched it away from her. 

"Can't you find something else to do besides irritate me?" Daniel scanned his desk, looking for anything else she might destroy.

"No. Everyone else is busy except you." Vala tried her best pout on Daniel.

"Here." Daniel picked up a newspaper and shoved it at her. "Take this and go sit over there."

Vala gave up her pestering – temporarily - and retreated to his desk with the paper. _Maybe I can find something to buy with the credit card I still have from Daniel's wallet._

As Vala flipped through the paper, she realized that he had given her the sports section – no sales adds in here. She was about to crumble the paper and toss it aside when she noticed something. "The Stiff Old Cocks" was listed as fourth place winner in a game called Over the Line. If she understood American slang correctly, and she was pretty good with slang that was of a suggestive nature, she was shocked to see this in a paper – where children could read it!

"Daniel, could you explain this to me?" Maybe she could get a rise from him by shocking him with something someone else said. He was so cute when he blushed!

"Go find Teal'c. I'm sure he can help you." Daniel pointedly refused to look at her. He really had to complete this translation before SG9 went back to P9C-825.

Moving over to Daniel, she leaned backwards over his lab table and placed herself between Daniel and the paper he was working on. "Daniel, look at this." She waved the paper under his nose.

Pursing his lips, Daniel glanced quickly at the paper. "Yeah, a newspaper. Good for you." He moved his papers over to the side and ignored her again.

"Fine. Teal'c will help explain this to me." Vala left and headed to Teal'c's quarters.

Entering Teal'c room without knocking, Vala found him seated at his computer, playing an online interactive game called The World of Warcraft.

When he turned to see her enter, he exited the game, knowing that he'd have no chance to join his group for the planned quest. "How may I render service, Vala Mal Duran?"

"Daniel gave me this paper and I found something I need help with understanding." She gave the paper to Teal'c and pointed to the article giving the scores for the daily OTL games.

Teal'c read through the article, frowning at first, and then raised his eyebrows so high he almost shoved his golden tattoo into his Spock-like hair.

"It is with great difficulty that I often find myself attempting to comprehend the mindset of the Tau'ri. On Chulak, we would never expose our children to such blatant expressions of a sexual nature." Teal'c reconnected to the internet and brought up Google. "Perhaps we can find an explanation here."

Vala draped herself over Teal'c's right shoulder and placed a hand on the other, gently massaging his tense muscles. Teal'c gave her a sideways glance from his heavily lidded eyes. His lips twitched in, for him, an expressive display of humor.

"Here it is." Teal'c pointed to the web site he'd chosen. "Over the Line Tournament Rules. First we should learn how the game is played."

Vala, bored with rules, began wondering around the room, dragging her fingertips across Teal'c's shoulders every time she circled back.

"From what I gather, the game is playing with three people on a team and is a little like baseball. There is a pitcher and two people in the outfield. The other team takes turns at bat. The goal is to hit the ball over the heads of those in the outfield, thus earning a 'homerun.' There is more, but that is the basic idea."

"I don't understand the names." Vala had returned to lean over Teal'c.

"Many appear to be named for places of business, such as 'Clairmont Surf Shop Wahines,' but others seem to have no logical explanation, other than shock value."

Vala began reading the names of winners from previous years posted on the web site. "'Bad Back, Bad Hands, Good Woodies.' What is a woodie?"

"I do not understand the use of the word in this context. I shall look it up." Teal'c closed the OTC window and opened an online dictionary. "It is either a station wagon with exterior wood paneling or an erection of the penis. I believe the second definition would be the most appropriate in this situation." Teal'c went back to the OTC site.

Vala began reading the names again, her large blue eyes getting larger with every name, "Pretentious Pussies, The Bitches Scream Again, Stud Mummies – Daniel should be interested in that team – Boom! Whang! Whap! Doink! – what the hell does that mean? – Sit on a Happy Face – why? – Spank That Ass, We Polygrip Dicks, ewww!"

Vala was now massaging Teal'c's neck with both hands and panting slightly.

Teal'c shut down the web site. "I believe you have seen enough, Vala Mal Doran."

"I just have one question, Teal'c. How long does it take to get to San Diego from Colorado Springs? These sound like my kind of people."


	5. Vala's Secret

Vala's Secret

Daniel exited the elevator and hurried down the corridor, headed toward Teal'c's quarters. He balanced an unstable stack of folders, magazines, papers, and books on one arm. His head was down as he flipped through the table of contents at the front of a book he'd just received from an eBay auction. He had just turned the corner when his progress was unexpectedly halted by a "brick wall." Daniel bounced off the "wall" and found himself sprawled on the cement floor inspecting the ceiling.

As soon as the stars quit circling his head, he groped around on the floor, found his glasses, put them on and sat up. Face to face with Vala. "Terrific! Just great! I should have known you'd be able to impersonate a wall."

"I'm fine. Thank you for asking. How are you?" Vala's sarcasm could give Jack a run for his money.

"Yeah, whatever. Look, Vala, I don't have time for your nonsense right now. I was on my way to Teal'c's and then I have to get to my office." Daniel began restacking the scattered papers.

Vala glanced around her at the various papers and spotted something that piqued her interest. While Daniel was still restacking and reorganized the chaos surrounding them, she picked up the object. Her eyes widened as she flipped through the pages of the magazine.

"Um, Daniel, why do you have this?" Vala was truly shocked that Daniel could be interested in the apparel in the pictures she held in her hands. _Maybe Daniel's more interesting than I thought._ She squinted at him sideways and tried to picture the outfit on page 25 on Daniel. _No way!_

Daniel looked up to see what Vala had in her hands. He reddened and then blanched. "Vala." Daniel's voice was pleading. "Give that back to me." He reached out for it, but she was much quicker and backed up holding the offending magazine over her head and away from Daniel's reach.

"Daniel. Is this why you haven't wanted to sleep with me? There's something about you I'm not aware off?" Vala eye glittered with amusement.

"It's Teal'c's."

"Sure it is. I have difficulty imagining you wearing this – well, I can imagine it, it's just not a pretty sight – but there is no way Teal'c would purchase this! It's bright pink!" Vala flipped through the pages quickly and began laughing harder and harder as she tried to picture Daniel and Teal'c prancing around in these clothes.

Daniel managed to snatch it from her. He closed it up and showed her the address label on the back of the magazine.

T. Murray Cheyenne Mountain NORAD Colorado Springs, CO

"I just picked up Teal'c's mail and was bringing it to him." Daniel's voice sounded offended.

"Oh, let me! I have to ask him what he's doing with this." Vala grabbed the offending magazine back and knocked on Teal'c's door.

Teal'c, serene and majestic, answered his door. He stood back, pulled the door open enough for both Daniel and Vala to enter, and gestured a welcome.

Daniel entered with his head down, clearly wanting to be anywhere else, but unable to avoid watching the incident about to happen.

"Teal'c, Daniel said that this is yours." Vala brought the magazine out from behind her back and held it out to the Jaffa.

Teal'c glanced at the offered glossy magazine, nodded imperceptibly and reached out to retrieve the object. Daniel could see how embarrassed Teal'c was to be presented with it.

"Indeed."

"Um, Teal'c, do you purchase items from this … Daniel, what is the word I'm searching for?"

"Catalog."

"Yes, thank you. Do you purchase items from this catalog?" Vala poked the catalog with her long, graceful finger.

"Indeed."

Daniel and Vala both dropped their jaws, eyes round with shock.

"Um, why?" Daniel's question came out in a squeak.

Holding the catalog close to his chest, Teal'c began flipping through the pages until he came to the page he had been searching for. "Ishta has expressed a desire to wear this." He pointed.

Vala and Daniel leaned in to see. Daniel read the description out loud. "Off-the-shoulder scalloped neckline. Derrière-skimming length, pulse-elevating shape. Delicate bell sleeves. Matching lace bikini. Imported nylon. In black, pointsettia red, cherub pink and parma violet."

"Teal'c? Baby-doll sleepware? Ishta?" Daniel closed his eyes and tried very hard not to picture that in his mind.

Vala watched Daniel's reaction closely. "Teal'c, what is the name of this catalog? Can I buy something from it?" She watched Daniel even closer as his face paled and his breath stopped momentarily.

"It is Victoria's Secret. You may order from my catalog, if you wish." Teal'c had also seen Daniel's face and his lips were twitching with great amusement at his friend's discomfort.

"I…I gotta go!" Daniel almost ran from the room.

"Teal'c, you know, I may just find a good use for one of those myself."


	6. The Mall

A/N: Spoiler: Season 9, The Ties That Bind. This takes place during the middle of this episode. If you haven't seen it yet, don't read this! No Teal'c this time.

The Mall

Daniel stood with his hand hovering above the doorknob, muttering softy to himself. "I can't believe I'm going to do this."

He took a deep breath, squared his shoulders and prepared himself for the task before him. He raised his right hand, closed his eyes and, holding his breath, he knocked.

He waited two seconds, "Ah, no answer. Gosh darn, no one's home." He turned to leave, took one step and heard the door open.

"My Daniel! I knew you'd finally come to me!" Vala reached out and snaked one long, graceful arm around Daniel's neck and jerked him quickly inside her room. She winked at the guard, who blushed bright red and looked away quickly as she shut the door.

"Vala, let go of me." Daniel closed his eyes, as if not seeing her would make the situation go away. "I need to talk to you."

"Talk? Ugh, how boring when there are such interesting things we could be doing." Vala placed her free hand on Daniel's chest and began playing with the buttons on his BDU shirt.

He slapped her hand away and took two steps away from her. "Vala, you know I have to go to Washington day after tomorrow and you," he sighed deeply, "have to go with me. Well, we have to get you some Earth clothes. You can't go before the Appropriations Committee wearing, um…that!" Daniel gestured toward her leather outfit that was so tight he could almost see the outline of her internal organs.

"Shopping! You're going to take me shopping!" Vala's face lit up with a huge grin. "With your credit cards?"

"Oh, god help me, yes." Daniel hugged himself with one arm and covered his eyes with his other hand.

XXXXXXXXXX

Daniel grinned smugly as he glanced sideways at Vala. He'd never seen her stunned into silence. If he'd known that would be her reaction, he would have brought her to the mall long ago.

"Oh, Daniel, look!" Vala stopped, enthralled by the view in the window. "What are those?"

Daniel, afraid to turn, finally looked. "Ah, those are puppies and kittens. People buy them and keep them in their homes as pets."

"Tau'ri keep animals in their homes? Ewww! Don't they, um, how do they handle the, um, waste?" Vala tapped on the window to get the attention of the kitten, who was chewing on the tale of another kitten.

"Well, dogs are trained to ask to go outside and people keep boxes of sand for the cats to bury their, uh, waste." Daniel had never had a pet, except fish, and wasn't too sure exactly how one went about training animals.

"Yuck! A box of cat poo in the house? You Tau'ri are very odd people." Vala shook her head, turned away from the window and continued down the walkway.

She walked way from Daniel as he looked at her, shrugged and followed. She stopped, hands on hips, and sniffed the air. Her eyes widened and she began walking quickly again.

Daniel watched as she stopped in front of Mrs. Field's Cookies®. "Daniel, what are these?"

The clerk glanced up at the question, baffled. Everyone knows what cookies are! Daniel saw the clerk's expression and grinned at her. "She's from another country. Never been in a mall before. Let me have two cookies, white chunk with macadamias." Daniel handed Vala a cookie and took the other for himself.

Vala took a tentative bite and moaned in ecstasy. "Oh, god, Daniel. This is almost as good as sex." She rolled her eyes and sighed as the chocolate melted on her tongue.

Vala opened her eyes and stopped suddenly. "Victoria's Secret? They actually put that stuff in the windows for anyone to see? Where's the mystery and fun of discovery? That's just wrong." She shook her head and went back to enjoying the last crumbs of the cookie.

Daniel took her elbow and guided her along toward the department store where they could buy some "decent" clothes for her to wear. He led her past the various different stores that caught her attention and virtually pushed her into the Sears® at the end of the mall.

He stopped for a moment, looking for the women's department. Vala walked away, again, and headed for the tools. "Daniel, what is this?" Vala picked up a cordless electric drill, gazing intently at it. "It looks…well, it looks like something to be used in the privacy of one's bedroom."

Daniel looked embarrassed and disgusted. "It's a portable power drill. It's used to screw things together."

"Screw?" Vala's jaw dropped. "You people use power tools for…for… No wonder you wouldn't have sex with me on the Prometheus. You didn't have the proper tools."

Daniel closed his eyes and sighed. He thought they might have had a somewhat enjoyable visit to the mall. He should have known she could take simple objects and totally twist things around.

"Put it down. Let's get you some clothes and get out of here before you get us arrested." Daniel grabbed her elbow again and headed for the escalator.

Vala stopped and stared at the moving platforms. "Are your people so lazy that they have to use moving stairs to go up? I'm not getting on that thing. It looks dangerous."

Daniel tugged on her arm and pulled her on the bottom step next to him. She gripped the handrail with one hand and dug her nails into Daniel arm with the other.

"Vala, you've faced the most evil beings in the universe. You've been burned to death, you've been in fights and you're afraid of moving stairs! You're a hoot!" One thing for sure, life was never boring with Vala around.

He pulled her along off the escalator and toward the women's department. "OK. You can pick any outfit you want. I'll pay for it. Just don't embarrass me any more. Please," Daniel pleaded.

Vala headed for the junior department and began looking through the racks. "Ooooh, Daniel. Look at this!" She held up a gold lamė dress.

At least Daniel thought it was supposed to be a dress. There wasn't quite enough material for him to be sure it wasn't a handkerchief. "You can't wear that! The Appropriations Committee members would be shocked. You're supposed to be helping us, not seducing them!" Daniel pulled his glasses off and pinched the bridge of his nose, a sure sign of frustration.

Vala turned away from him and grinned. She knew he was shocked, but she just loved getting a reaction from him.

"All right. How about this?" She held up a long sleeved, black shirt.

"That looks fine." Daniel wondered how she would make the seemingly conservative shirt into something suggestive.

"Now, I need a skirt to go with it." Vala flipped through the rack with skirts and found something. "How do I know if these fit? Do I try them on here?" She began unfastening her leather pants.

"Stop! Not here! There are dressing rooms where you can change in private." Daniel grabbed her and her clothes and headed for the back corner where he saw the dressing room sign. "In here." He pushed her toward the clerk who gave Vala a large number 2 and showed her to an empty room.

A few minutes later, Vala came out wearing the black shirt, a very short animal print skirt and her knee-high, spike-heeled boots. Daniel blinked several times at her, speechless. She grinned, just the reaction she wanted from him. Another male shopper whistled and nudged Daniel, waggling his eyes brows. "Your wife is quite a looker!"

Daniel swallowed, reddened and turned away from Vala. "She's not my wife."

The man grinned. "Ah, your girlfriend. Even better!" He turned his head as he heard his named called. "Yes, dear. I'm coming, dear." Turning back to Daniel he said, "The old ball and chain is calling. Take my advice. Don't marry her. It's much more fun before you get married. Yes, dear, I'm on my way." Rolling his eyes, he walked off.

Vala changed back into her clothes and Daniel paid for the purchases. He hoped he could get her out of the mall without any other distractions.

He thought he just might be successful, when she stopped in front of a jewelry store. "Daniel! Did you know about this store? Are these real?" She pointed to a display of diamond rings.

"Yes, those are real diamonds. Men buy them for women when they become engaged. It's a symbol that the woman is taken, so no other man will display romantic interest in her." Daniel really didn't want to have to watch her in a jewelry store. He knew her propensity for theft.

The two were standing in front of the engagement ring display, when Daniel heard his name being called. He closed his eyes and prayed for Thor to beam him away.

"Dr. Jackson! Dr. Jackson! It's such a pleasure to see you here." The elderly lady walked briskly up to Daniel and patted him on the arm, grinning with happiness. She looked pointedly between Daniel and Vala and then at the rings. She grinned.

"Mrs. Wilson, it's nice to see you." Daniel did not want to introduce Vala to his neighbor.

"Oh, Daniel, that one is beautiful! Can we go in?" Vala hadn't noticed the other woman join them. She was focused on the diamonds.

Mrs. Wilson raised her grey eyes, the smile on her face reflected in the winkles next to her eyes. "Take her in, dear. She's found one she likes."

Vala turned at the sound of the voice. "Hello. I'm Vala." She thrust out her hand in greeting. Teal'c had instructed her in American customs of greeting.

"I'm Mrs. Wilson, Daniel's neighbor. I don't remember seeing you at Daniel's with his other friends." Mrs. Wilson shook Vala's hand and tried pumping her for information. The ladies at the local bridge club would love this. They were always trying to hook Daniel up with their unwed daughters.

"Daniel keeps me hidden away in a secret place. He comes to see me at night, when no one is around." Vala heard Daniel's moan in her ear.

"Oh!" Mrs. Wilson's gossip radar was on in high gear. "How, um, interesting." She was glad she'd never been able to introduce her daughter to this man after all. He'd always seemed like such a nice young man, too bad he was just like the rest of the men she'd known.

"Come on Vala, we need to get you back to the mountain." Daniel knew there was no way he could ever explain this to Mrs. Wilson. Well, at least the neighborhood women would quit trying to fix him up.

Vala took Daniel's arm and leaned against him, batting her eyelashes up at him for Mrs. Wilson's benefit. "Yes, dear. Whatever you say, sweetheart."

Daniel rolled his eyes, sighed and led her to the car. Quickly.

As Daniel pulled out of the parking lot, he turned to Vala, "As soon as we get back from Washington, we're going back to see Arlos and figure out a way for me to stay away from you – far away."

Vala reached up and rubbed the back of Daniel's neck. "Teal'c ordered that set of baby doll pajamas for me and they came yesterday. How about you come to see me tonight and I'll show you my new clothes?"

"Not in this lifetime." Of course, the way his "lives" had been, he might be in her room that night. God help him.


	7. The DriveIn

The Drive-In

A/N: Thanks to LavenderDBrown for the idea!

* * *

"DanielJackson." Teal'c stood in the doorway of Dr. Jackson's office, waiting for permission to enter.

"Hey, Teal'c. Come on in." Daniel didn't look up as he completed the last line of translation on an artifact SG-12 had brought back. Finished, he turned to his friend. "How's it going on Dakara?"

"It does not go well on Dakara. It goes poorly. Gerak continues to gain support." Teal'c's emotions were betrayed by the twitching in his jaw and Daniel knew his friend was very unsettled by this turn of events.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Teal'c. How about you and I go do something together?" Daniel hoped to distract his friend and help him relax.

"It is my understanding that there is an _Indiana Jones_ marathon at the drive-in theater this evening. I have had the desire to attend a drive-in theater since watching the special on PBS about the 1950's." Teal'c knew Daniel hated the _Indiana Jones_ movies. He always ranted throughout the movies how unrealistic it was.

Daniel closed his eyes and sighed. _Teal'c's a good friend. Teal'c's a good friend._ _Teal'c's a good friend._ He hoped repeating it several times would convince him it was worth sitting through those movies again. He opened his eyes and glanced at his friend. Teal'c face was almost expressionless, but Daniel noted the twitch at the corner of his lip as he tried to control his amusement.

"Sure. Sounds fun." Daniel glanced at his watch. "If we're going get there before dark, we need to leave in about an hour. How about I meet you at my car then?"

"It is agreed, DanielJackson. I shall go inform Vala Mal Doran."

"Vala?" Daniel's voice squeaked in shock. "What's she got to do with this?"

"You cannot be that distance from her for the amount of time we will be gone. She will need to accompany us to the drive-in." Teal'c was now highly amused.

Daniel tossed his glasses on his desk and scrubbed his face with both hands. "Okay, I guess she'll have to go. But, and make this clear to her, she cannot leave the car while we're there."

"I shall endeavor to make the restriction clear to her." Teal'c nodded at Daniel and left for Vala's room.

XXXXXXXXXX

Daniel turned off the engine and sent up a silent prayer that Vala would behave herself. He glanced around and noticed that the drive-in was only about half full. _Good, that means fewer people for Vala to shock._

"DanielJackson, I believe now would be an acceptable time to obtain some refreshments from the concession stand."

"Sure, Teal'c." Daniel had a short mental battle with himself about whether it would be better to leave Vala alone in the car – no way Teal'c would stay with her – or risk exposing her to the rest of Earth. _Vala alone?_ Sighing deeply, he turned to Vala, "I guess you'd better go with us. BUT, please be on your best behavior. The rest of my world is not ready for you." Daniel had second – and third - thoughts about going into public with two aliens and shuddered.

"Why, Daniel, you know how well behaved I am! I'm shocked that you would feel it necessary to remind me!" Vala fluttered her eyelashes in Daniel's direction and winked at Teal'c.

"Just get out of the car."

Inside the snack bar, Vala stared open mouthed at the array of food Tau'ri consumed while watching a movie.

"I need to visit the men's room for a few minutes. DON'T touch anything!" Daniel gave Teal'c a glare that told him to guard Vala and not let her move from that spot.

"Teal'c, what is that?" Vala pointed to the popcorn machine that was spewing puffy white kernels.

"I believe that is termed popcorn."

"How do they make it?"

"Small seeds are placed into a heated environment and they explode into the snack you see before you." Teal'c knew she was going to turn this into something suggestive when he saw the gleam in her eye.

"So they apply heat and friction to something small and it expands until it explodes into something wonderful and yummy." She gave Teal'c a sideways grin as her eyes slid down his body.

_Yep, she did it._ "I believe that is correct. They then usually apply melted butter to the expanded product and consume it."

Vala's eyes widened. "Oh, I'm not even going to touch that! There are children in the room."

Daniel joined the aliens at that time. "So, did you two decide what you'd like?"

Teal'c, with his years of experience of Earth foods, knew what he liked. "I believe I would like a Coke, a box of Gobstoppers and a box of Nerds."

Daniel raised an eyebrow at Teal'c, and then nodded. "Vala, what would you like?"

"I didn't have any dinner before we came, so I'd like some real food. What are those?" She pointed to a glass box that held rotating metal bars with tubes of meat skewered onto them under heat lights.

"I believe that those items are hot dogs. They are placed within a bun and consumed with various condiments." Teal'c clasped his hands behind his back.

"All right, I believe I'll have two of those and a small container of popcorn…oh, and something to drink." Vala turned to Daniel, satisfied with her choices.

Daniel told them to stay where they were while he went up to the counter and purchased their food.

After they had returned to the car, Daniel turned to Vala. "You know, I really thought you'd do something incredibly stupid in there, but you behaved very well. Thank you."

"You know, Daniel, I can be nice sometimes – when I want to." Vala winked at Daniel and then turned her attention to her food.

She picked up the first hot dog in its bun and gave it a speculative examination. She glanced at Daniel out of the corner of her eye to see if he was watching her. He was, although he was trying not to look like he was. Grinning to herself, she began licking the mustard off the hot dog – very slowly. Her tongue swirled around the end of the hot dog and she closed her eyes and moaned slightly.

Daniel's mouth dropped open and he blushed brightly. "Um, Vala, what are you doing?"

"Enjoying myself." She slid the hot dog into her mouth, closed her eyes again and slid it back out.

Daniel continued to stare at her, unable to pull his eyes away. Teal'c sat in the back seat and watched, amused as Vala teased his friend.

Daniel shifted uncomfortably in his seat, his own food and drink untouched. Vala continued to taunt Daniel with her licking until she finally bit, hard, into the end of the hot dog and began chewing. Daniel jumped, as if he'd been bitten and moved his hand protectively between his legs.

Vala almost choked as she tried not to laugh at him with a mouth full of food. "You know, these hot dogs are rather tasty. I believe they may become my favorite Tau'ri food."

Daniel blanched and turned to his own food.

XXXXXXXXXX

Vala behaved herself through most of the first movie. She found herself intrigued by the Indiana Jones character and his adventures in attempting to recover the lost ark – Daniel explained the significance of the ark to her. Toward the end of the movie Vala began to notice that some couples in neighboring cars weren't paying a lot of attention to the screen. They seemed to be engaged in other activities.

Daniel detected when her attention left the movie and began wandering. He groaned to himself when he realized what she was seeing in the cars around them. He had so hoped he wouldn't have to deal with this.

Vala jumped in her seat when one couple disappeared from view. She looked back at Teal'c, who had also been watching her, her eyes large with surprise. Teal'c raised one eyebrow slightly, nodded and one corner of his mouth twitched in amusement.

Vala slid over as close to Daniel as she could get with the gear-shift knob between them. Daniel eyed her cautiously.

She turned her attention back to the screen to see Marion kissing Indy, carefully searching for uninjured areas of his face. When they slid down out of camera view, she glanced over at Daniel.

He was sitting up as straight and stiff as he could in the car, staring straight ahead at the movie screen. As her hand snaked slowly toward his leg, he grabbed it with his hand and flung it back to her side of the car.

"We are not playing that game here in public." Daniel's tone of voice got through to Vala. He was serious and wouldn't allow the teasing she had in mind.

"Teal'c, this movie's almost over. As soon as it is, we're going back to the base. I sure cannot sit through two more of these."

Teal'c knew when his friend had reached the end of his patience and nodded in agreement.

XXXXXXXXXX

Back on the base, Daniel stormed into his quarters and slammed the door. Vala, immediately behind him, opened his door and entered, uninvited.

"I have GOT to remember to start locking that door," Daniel mumbled to himself. Turning to Vala, he spat out, "What do you want?"

Looking down at the floor, Vala responded, "To apologize."

Stopped at the unexpected turn in the conversation, Daniel just stood there.

"I'm sorry, Daniel. I know I can be…a little…forward, sometimes. I just don't know how to behave around you." She looked up into his confused blue eyes. "It's just that we seem to have some chemistry between us and I've always acted on that with others before. I know you're not like most other men and I'm just not sure what to do about that."

His anger defused by her sincere – he hoped – apology, he stammered, "Well, I, um… Vala. Sex isn't a casual game for me. It only has meaning when there's a relationship that goes along with it."

Vala considered what he had just said. "Do you think we could have a relationship?"

"I don't really think so. You're just too much work!" Daniel thrust a hand over his hair.

Vala grinned broadly at Daniel and took a step toward him. "You know the best things in life are the things we work the hardest for."


	8. Chapter 8

Valentine's Day

Vala leaned back in Daniel's office chair and spun around several times before his glare stopped her.

"Is it possible for you to sit still for five minutes? Just five minutes? No talking, twirling, twiddling, twitching, touching… no nothing!" Daniel's icy blue eyes shot daggers at the sexy brunette. He lowered his head back to the tablet on his lab table and searched for the last glyph he had translated.

Vala sighed dramatically and stuck out her tongue at him.

"I saw that." Daniel didn't lift his head but just continued to work.

Making a face, Vala turned away from him and let her eyes pass over the books and objects on his shelves. _There must be something interesting among all those dead authors and artifacts. _She turned quickly back to Daniel, as if fearing that he had heard her thoughts. He was deeply engrossed in his work again.

_Maybe if I draped a dead Egyptian over my shoulders he'd notice me._ Recognizing a hopeless cause, she turned and her eye caught a brightly colored paper in the trash. Leaning quietly over, she lifted the one-page ad that had been an insert in the Sunday newspaper.

She smoothed out the wrinkles with her long fingers and scanned the page. Her curiosity aroused, she let her eyes slide back to Daniel and felt confident that he wouldn't notice if she left his office. After all, she had made her living as a thief for years and had learned how to be quiet – even if Daniel didn't believe it.

She strode quickly through the SGC's cement and metal hallways until she reached her goal – Teal'c's room. She knocked and waited to see if he was in his room.

The door opened slowly and Teal'c stood there. "ValaMalDoran. Enter."

She entered and turned quickly to face her Jaffa friend. She did think of him as her friend as he was the only other alien who lived at the SGC.

"I found this in Daniel's trash and wondered if you could help me understand what it's all about. You've been on Earth for, what, eight years now? Surely you've learned something about their customs." She held out the ad and let Teal'c take it from her to study.

"I believe the purpose of this advertisement is to entice the males who read it to purchase these items for their mate."

"Yes. I understood that. But what is Valentine's Day and why do Tau'ri males need a special day to show affection for their mates?" Vala chewed on her lower lip as she peered around Teal'c's massive bicep at the ad. She was hopping that this might give her some insight into Daniel.

"Indeed. It has long been a mystery to me how the Tau'ri court and engage in long-term relationships. However, some time ago when I made an attempt to live among the residents of this planet, I did some research into Earth's amorous customs. I do indeed remember what I learned of Valentine's Day."

Vala pulled the ad away from Teal'c and continued to look at the jewelry displayed on the red and pink flyer. "I understand that giving precious gems to one's lover could please her, but why a 'special day?' "

Teal'c gestured to Vala to sit in a chair next to his desk and he took only other chair in his room. "On Earth during the Empire of Rome about 1800 years ago the Emperor decided that too many strong, young men were foregoing their military obligations in favor of matrimony. Claudius outlawed marriage for young men believing that his army would grow in size. However, a priest of the young Christian faith – one faith of many here on Earth – decided to defy the Emperor and continued to perform marriages for young couples in secret. The legend says that this man's name was Valentinus and that the Emperor had him beheaded for his actions. Eventually, Christians began to honor his memory by sending love poems and gifts to their intended."

Vala stared at Teal'c. That was the longest speech she had ever heard him give. "So men give expensive items to their mates? It seems very unromantic to me to expect a gift on a certain day. I would much rather be completely surprised by my love."

"I believe that the giving of gifts can go either way. It is traditional to either write a poem of one's own, or to buy a card that already contains a poem that expresses one's feelings. Flowers and candy are also commonly acceptable gifts." Teal'c stood, believing his job to be over. He wondered how Ishta would respond to a dozen roses and a heart-shaped box of chocolates. He raised one eyebrow as he pictured her response.

"Teal'c. Could you take me to a store to buy one of these Valentine's Day cards?"

"I believe that you can also find ecards on the internet." Teal'c glanced sideways at the former Goa'uld host. He knew she was thinking of Daniel. "Do you wish for me to enter a search for such a site?"

"No. I have another idea." Vala turned and left, looking for Sam.

XXXXXXXXXX

Early on the morning of February 14th, an unsuspecting Dr. Daniel Jackson balanced a cup of coffee and several files in one had while attempting to unlock his office door with the other. He knew he'd only have an hour or so before Vala showed up, bored and looking for him to entertain her. He hoped he could finish translating that tablet first. SG-11 was expected to go back to PX1-873 and needed the translation.

Shoving the key back into his pocket, he took one step into his office and slid several feet, all the while trying to keep the hot liquid in his cup from sloshing onto either his files or his heat-sensitive skin. He wondered briefly how a liquid that could cause a burn on his hand could be consumed orally without blisters.

When he stopped sliding, files and coffee still intact, he looked down to see that he had stepped on an envelope and which had initiated his not-so-graceful foray into skating.

Dumping his stuff on his lab table, he reached down on picked up the envelope. Unbeknownst to him Vala was listening just outside his door – waiting to see his response.

He lifted the flap and pulled out the home-made card. On the front was a large red heart pierced by an arrow. _Oh, god, one of the nurses again._ Daniel groaned to himself and almost tossed the card into the trash, but his polite nature surfaced and he realized that someone had gone to some trouble to hand make this and the least he could do was to read it.

Squinting cautiously, he opened the card to find a beautifully written calligraphy poem, surrounded by several delicately sketched cherubs.

_**Whose gift this is you cannot know.  
My heart is in your keeping though.  
You will not mind my writing here  
To tell you that I love you so.**_

_**I sometimes give my head a shake  
And ask if there is some mistake.  
It's lonely out here 'mid the sweep  
Of bitter wind and icy flake.**_

_**My love for you is dark and deep,  
But it's a promise I will keep  
As from afar I watch and weep,  
As from afar I watch and weep.**_

Daniel turned the card around looking for a signature, but there was nothing to indicate who the sender was. Thoughtfully, he slid the card back into the envelope and dropped in into a drawer in his desk, wondering who could have sent it.

Vala leaned against the cold wall outside Daniel's office, closed her eyes and began breathing deeply to calm the nervous pounding of her heart. When she was calm, she plastered a large smile on her face and bounced into his office. Passing behind him, she gave his firm tush and quick pinch and quickly fled to the safety of his desk chair.

Daniel closed his eyes and dropped his head with a jerk onto his chest. "Hello, Vala. I was hoping you'd sleep late today and give me at least an hour alone to work."

As a flash of pain skittered across her face, Vala rose gracefully from the black leather chair and faced Daniel. "Daniel, as a Valentine's Day present, I'll stay out of your hair today and let you work without me." She left quietly.

Daniel lifted his eyes upward, as if looking for a "higher power" to answer, "What just happened here?"

Daniel plopped down in his chair and his eyes drifted to his desk drawer. He was sure he'd closed it completely after he'd put the card into it. He slid the drawer the rest of the way open and saw a single candy heart sitting on the card. He knew it couldn't have been there before. There was just no way. He picked it up and read the message; U R HOT

It was her! She wrote the card and then slipped the candy in when she sat down. He leaned back to think and popped the candy into his mouth. She could be so over-the-top, ninety percent of the time, and then confuse the hell out of him by showing real concern and compassion for someone in need.

Several minutes later, he pushed himself out of the chair and headed for her room.

Knocking twice, he nudged the door open and found her lying quietly, face down, on her bed. Closing the door softly, he crossed over to her. "Vala. We need to talk."

"Daniel, you're being very rude."

_God, she'd done it again. _ He was befuddled. "Um, excuse me?"

"I gave you a gift and you've rejected it."

Daniel's forehead smoothed out as he understood. "Well, as soon as we've talked, I'll take up on your gift and leave you for the rest of the day." He sat carefully on the edge of her bed as she turned on her back to face him.

"Vala, did you send me that card?"

She closed her eyes, trying to ignore the situation.

"I'll take that as a yes." He pulled his glasses off and carefully considered his next words. "Vala, I appreciate your feelings, but I don't return them. Frankly, I'm a bit bewildered as to why you would treat me the way you do if you have feelings for me." He carefully replaced his glasses and waited.

"Daniel, I've never been one to analyze myself. I just go with my feelings and impulses. I haven't cared for anyone since I was 'snaked' and it scared me to death. I know you don't feel the same way, so I act the way I do to push you away. That way I can make myself believe that because you don't really know me, you can't really reject me."

"Vala…"

"Daniel. Don't. Whatever you say won't help. Just know that from now on, I'll try to be less obnoxious." A grin grew on her face, "Of course I might occasionally forget myself and, oh, …"

Daniel stood quickly as she leaned toward him. "OK! Demonstration not needed!"

He moved back to the door as she followed him. She moved past him and stood in front of the door. "Seriously, Daniel, you've treated me much better than my treatment of you should allow." She leaned toward him and gently kissed his cheek as she opened the door.

Daniel stepped out and turned back to her. She stepped out of her room, pretending to be fastening her pants. "Thanks, Daniel. That was quick. Think you'll be 'up' for another visit by tomorrow? Wouldn't want to overtax you, now would I?"

She tossed a bedazzling smile at Daniel and winked at the guard, who was trying his best not to look at Dr. Jackson.

Daniel closed his eyes and moaned. _She's done it again. _ With a small smile, he slipped his hands back into his pockets and whistled as he sauntered back to his office.

* * *

A/N: 1) The poem was one I found on a site for those of us who are unable to write poetry. I did shorten it a bit – it got waaay too mushy for Vala.

2) The "history lesson" is courtesy of The History Channel's web site.

3) I thought that I needed to soften Vala a bit since she'll be returning next year to work the SGC and there is simply no way she could stay as outrageous as she has been in the past. I also know that the writers have said that they have no plans for any "shipping" next year, so any amorous relationships shall have to remain in the world of fanfic.

4) This was quickly written over a couple of hours and only one quick review, so I apologize for errors, but there wasn't time to send it to my beta and still get it posted in time for Valentine's Day.


End file.
